Child Development

My husband and I had 3 sons when our daughter joined our family. I was thrilled with the notion of finally being able to put one of my youngsters in dresses, get cute small shoes, and do her hair. After 3 boys, it was time for me to have another female in the house to share my love of all issues girly! When she was tiny, I was quickly able to put cute small things in her hair and she left them there. At some point all her baby hair fell out so there really wasn’t much hair to do anything with (I resorted to headbands for photos!). Fast-forward to the present time, and my daughter is now 14 months old. She has a lovely head of thick, dark, curly hair that is just begging to be carried out up in cute bows, pigtails, and tiny braids.

There is just one tiny problem—she refuses to leave the darn things in! I have tried everything—winding the hair bands tighter, performing her hair whilst she has a snack to distract her, buying different sorts of clips, performing her hair whilst wet, and performing her hair even though dry. You name it and I have tried it. I genuinely thought I had her beat last week when I washed her hair and spent time putting it in little small twists all over her head. I used tiny small hair bands that were “guaranteed” (according to the package) not to pull out. She looked so cute, and I was feeling really good about having finally triumphed over her in the hair department. And then she went to bed. And in the night I heard her up laughing and laughing and laughing. And in the morning her hair looked like she’d gotten way too close to an electrical outlet, with every single hair band strewn around the floor of her room. What’s a mother to do?!

My husband has been watching this drama from afar all these weeks, and has put up with my scowls when I come property and her hair is running wild all over her head. He gives me the story behind how it came to be that the hair décor she had when I left the home in the morning is no longer—she tried to eat the bows; she threw the hair bands on the floor; she got mad and yanked them out; and on and on. Finally this past weekend he said something that didn’t make me happy at the time, but that I know makes sense. He suggested that our daughter just isn’t ready to maintain bows in her hair, and at some point she will be able to do that. However, in the meantime maybe I need to stop setting myself up for disappointment and struggles between us and just let it go. Darn, I hate it when he’s appropriate!

There are numerous times in life with our kids that we have to know when to adjust our expectations. We have to know when to let things go, at least for now. Parenting a child with autism and working toward remediation usually requires walking a fine line between having high expectations, but also knowing when s/he just isn’t ready to do something. Parents will frequently tell me that they just want their child to have a friend. They may possibly go to wonderful lengths to “get” their child a friend, including setting up play dates, hosting events, and bringing their child to every additional-curricular activity imaginable—all in the name of this quest for a friend. The reality, even so, is that when kids are developmentally ready to have pals, they will. Until that time, we can push, fight, struggle, and devote ourselves to the cause all we want; and most likely depress ourselves, burn our child out, and fail to devote our time and attention to working on the developmental foundations that will permit our child to truly have a friend someday.

I believe that what this all genuinely boils down to is having trust the developmental method, and knowing that “not now” doesn’t mean “never”. My daughter will keep her hair bows in at some point—but not now. Youngsters with autism who are getting back on the typical developmental method by way of remediation will get to the point where they are able to engage in quite real and meaningful ways—but it may not be correct now. There is a process to every thing, and half the battle is understanding that process and knowing when to let go—for now.

I continue to work on letting go of my want for my daughter to have her hair carried out all the time. I won’t lie—I still do something with it each morning prior to I leave for work. Nevertheless, the difference is in my expectations. I don’t anticipate to come house to her hair still looking nice, simply because I’ve accepted that it is unreasonable to expect at this point. She’s not ready for that yet, but someday soon she will be. Believe about the reasonableness of your present expectations for your youngsters. Are there things you expect them to be able to do that perhaps they just aren’t ready for? Are you continually frustrating your self, your child, and others around you by pushing and pulling to meet an expectation that is out of reach at this point? Are you spending more time trying to force your child to an end goal without working on the developmental progression that will get you there? If this is true for you, then I challenge you to reset your expectations. Be willing to let go of these expectations for now, understanding that you are putting your time and energy into working on the actions that will get you there. “Not now” doesn’t mean “never”!